A Very Shitennou Christmas
by Holmium
Summary: Follow the antics of our beloved Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite as they celebrate Christmas and deal with the problem of Queen Beryl. It's a very heartwarming story...if romance, moneybags, lingerie, and penguins are your thing.


"Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse-open...yawwwwwwnnnnn..."

"Can you please quit the singing, Zoisite?"

"But Nephrite..." Zoisite frowned. "I would rather not. Over the fields we gooooooo..."

"Can it, Zoisite!" Nephrite snapped.

"Jingle bells, Neffy smells..." Zoisite sang tauntingly.

"Zoisaito, please." Kunzite sighed. "Nephrite is already grouchy enough as it is."

"But Kunzite-sama! I'm only trying to lighten the mood! This year's Christmas sucks!"

Zoisite was right. All four Shitennou were settled around a fuzzy polar bear rug in front of a warm, cozy fireplace watching the snow fall from the windows illuminated by candles. All while sewing brand-new lingerie for Queen Beryl.

"What does Queen Beryl need these for anywa-AH-CHOO!" Jadeite sneezed, feathers flying out from his nose.

"Who knows?" muttered Kunzite, going back to refolding the silk.

"Who wants to know?" Nephrite moaned.

"Ouch!" Zoisite licked the blood trickling from his finger. "I hate these needles. I swear Beryl must have enchanted them to hurt me."

"Don't get any blood on the lace." snapped Nephrite, not caring in the slightest about Zoisite's ordeal.

"Don't be so harsh, Nephrite." Jadeite said reasonably. "The lace is black, so it won't matter."

Kunzite thought it did matter that his beautiful Zoisite hurt himself. "Oh, Zoisaito..." Kunzite set down the silk he was cutting and dashed over to his lover's side. "Are you alright?"

"I am now that you're with me, Kunzaito-sama." Zoisite whispered softly, leaning back into Kunzite's arms.

"Oh, please." Nephrite snorted. "Now is not the time or place for a love-fest. We've got enough love to go around simply hearing Beryl talk about Endymion."

"Now it is your turn to can it, Neffy." Zoisite snapped. Then he smiled and snuggled deeper on Kunzite's lap when Kunzite buried his nose in Zoisite's fluffy and wavy ponytail.

"Guys, please stop fighting." Jadeite pleaded. "This is misreable enough as it is."

"You got that right." grunted Nephrite.

"Ooooh, I love these!" Queen Beryl tightened the corset lacing and tugged on the black lace of the lingerie she was currently modeling for the four very unfortunate kings. "I especially like the blood scent you have infused into the lace."

Queen Beryl flicked her forked tongue over the blood-stained lace. Zoisite winced.

"Do you...like it, your Majesty?" Kunzite asked, ready to leave.

"Why, yes. In fact, I am giving all four of you Christmas bonuses. Here, have some Earth money." Beryl threw a money bag at each king.

"Sweet!" Nephrite grinned. "This holiday is finally picking up! Come on, Jadeite! Let's go on vacation!"

"Whatever you say." sighed Jadeite.

"I want some more enthusiasm! We're going to pick up loads of hot women, Jadey!"

Jadeite groaned and sweat-dropped.

"I'm definitely going to buy Kunzite-sama a nice present." Zoisite thought happily. "It will make him so happy!"

"I haven't bought my lovely Zoisaito presents for a while." Kunzite thought. "I may as well, he's so cute when he's happy."

"Two tickets for Brazil, baby!"

"Please don't call me Baby." the ticket counter lady said, frowning at Nephrite. "And that will be one thousand dollars exactly."

Nephrite snatched up Jadeite's money bag along with his own. "Here!" he said, throwing them onto the counter.

The ticket lady frowned again. "Sir, your bags are full of pennies." she said. "You're around nine hundred dollars short."

"No...Brazil?" Nephrite whimpered.

"No Brazil."

"Awwwww!" Nephrite tried to convince the lady otherwise with a puppy-dog face.

She was not amused. "No Brazil. And that's final."

"Well, I'm going to get my share of women someway! Come on, Jadey, to the luggage carousel!"

Poor Jadeite was tugged off again through the busy airport.

"Kunzite-sama, I'm sorry I can't spend the day with you-"

"It's alright, I have some Dark Kingdom business I've got to catch up on anyway-"

"Really, I do sincerely apologize." Zoisite said apologetically before teleporting away in a whirlwind of soft pink cherry blossom petals.

Then he appeared in the very heart of Tokyo's shopping district.

"Alright, there's got to be something awesome I can get Kunzite-sama here..." Zoisite said to himself, clutching his money-bag tightly. "I wonder if there is a nice cape store somewhere around?"

Suddenly, a wild cape store appeared! Zoisite used WALK TO CAPE STORE. Cape Store used SALE. It's super effective! Zoisite used SHOW MONEY-BAG. It's super effective! Cape Store used DISPLAY BEST CAPE! Zoisite used END POKEMON REFRENCE! And so Zoisite entered the cape store.

"Welcome, miss." the handsome cape store owner said. "Can I help you find the most luxurious cape in all of Tokyo...no, all of Japan?"

"Yes, sir! I'm actually looking for a cape for my lover. He's tall with tanned skin, platinum eyes, gorgeous, flowing silver hair..." Zoisite stared into space dreamily.

"Why, we have just the cape for you, miss!"

Zoisite was too busy daydreaming about Kunzite to correct the error. "Yes, a cape for my Kunzite-sama." Zoisite said.

"How about this one?" The owner held up a cape nearly identical to Kunzite's present cape.

"Hmm," Zoisite said, snapping out of his reverie, "that is actually the same cape my beautiful Kunzite-sama has now."

"Oh? Actually, do not pay attention to the actual cape. It is the epaulettes that make this one special. You see, they...glitter." The man demonstrated by twisting the right epaulette to make the cape glitter and glow.

"Wow! It's perfect! I'd love to buy it. A glittery cape that smells like Kunzite. How much will it be?"

"One pair of glitter epaulettes, one thousand dollars."

"Right here!" Zoisite happily handed over the money-bag.

The shopkeep took one glance inside the bag and burst out laughing. "Miss, you have only about a hundred dollars! You can't afford that! Now shoo!" He showed Zoisite to the door. "Teenagers..." he muttered. "Think they're so cute."

"What am I going to do!?" Zoisite said fearfully. "I don't have near enough money to get the cape and make my beautiful Kunzite-sama happy! This is awful!"

Kunzite opened the song book and breathed in. "Aah, fresh books." he murmured. The smell of freshly inked paper was one of Kunzite's favorite smells, second only to Zoisite's scent.

"Can I be of assistance?" an elegant lady with sea green hair asked.

"Sure. I'm looking for classical piano music, it's a gift for my lover."

"Oh, of course! My girlfriend plays the piano. We have a really nice piano book just over there. By the way, my name's Michiuru. And you are...?"

"Kunzite from the Dark Kingdom."

"Dark Kingdom? I've heard of that place..."

"Oh no, you're not a Senshi, are you?" Kunzite asked worriedly.

"I am, but not until season three, so you're okay."

"Awesome." Kunzite replied in relief.

"Alright, here it is. Now it is kind of expensive, but it has over two hundred songs."

"I've got plenty of money."

"Then it will be one thousand dollars."

"Why is everything in this fanfiction one thousand dollars? This is Japan! Why aren't we using Yen?" Kunzite complained as he handed over the money bag. "And how is it possible to have that many songs in just one tiny book?"

"How is it possible that you plan to pay me in pennies?"

"What?"

"Your boss is awful for paying you in pennies, they're practically worthless." Michiru frowned. "And you're several hundred dollars short, so no book."

"Okay, Jadeite, so here's the plan." Nephrite held up two large suitcases. "We get in here and climb on the carousel. We will get to Belize for free!"

"I thought we were going to Brazil?"

"Eh, there's women in both places. Now quickly, get in!"

Jadeite obeyed Nephrite's command.

A minute later, Jadeite, Nephrite, and the suitcases were thrown onto the luggage carousel.

"Boy, women these days sure do pack a lot." one airport employee grumbled.

"That's for sure. I swear, it feels like there's a dude in this suitcase!" the other said.

"Well, if there is, then they're in for a bumpy ride." the employee snickered.

"Bumpy ride?" Jadeite groaned inwardly. "I like airplanes, but this is just too much."

Suddenly, the suitcases were sliding rapidly down a really really really long chute.

"Aaaaaah!" Jadeite screamed.

"For hot and sexy women!" Nephrite gave a battle cry.

Thump-thump! It was completely dark, but Jadeite and Nephrite could tell they had left the chute and had come to a less-than-graceful landing.

"I wonder where we are?" thought Jadeite. He didn't dare take a peek out of the suitcase.

"I can't believe Beryl cheated us like that!" Zoisite said angrily, pacing around his and Kunzite's quarters. "All I wanted was to make my beautiful Kunzite-sama happy." Now he was close to tears. "Kunzite-sama..."

Suddenly, Zoisite spotted his shiny black grand piano in the corner.

"What if I...no, I can't. What would Kunzite-sama say if I sold my grand piano? He loves it so much when I play him to sleep after a long and terrible day, and he loves listening to it whenever we have free time." Zoisite ran his fingers over the smoothly polished ebony. "But I really want to buy those epaulettes for him..." Zoisite sighed. "For Kunzite-sama." He picked up the grand piano and, defying many laws of physics, carried it out into the hallway.

"Zoisaito, my beautiful, I wish I could've brought you that music book. If only it wasn't so expensive." Kunzite said, looking up at the ceiling of his office. "I know I'm not nearly as romantic to you as I should be, and I just want to spend Christmas with you..." Kunzite began to daydream about all the times his lover had played the grand piano and he would sit contentedly and listen.

"That's it. I've got to do what I've got to do. I'm selling my cape. It's not like it's a necessity or anything, and in battle it's quite impractical." Kunzite carefully pulled off his cape. "Only for you, my beautiful Zoisite. That is all."

"Wow, Neffy, you were right. These women are smoking hot!"

Nephrite shivered and wrapped his beach towel closer around him. "Shut up, Jadeite. It's not my fault we climbed into lost luggage. Now quit flirting with the penguins!"

A couple penguins clucked and darted away.

"Whatever." Jadeite shrugged. At least there was a snow coat someone had packed in his suitcase. Jadeite didn't really care that they weren't in Brazil. Time away from Zoisite and Kunzite and however they would be spending Christmas was good enough for him.

"Wait a minute..." Nephrite said incredulously. "Are those...women?"

Two women with huge furry coats approached Jadeite and Nephrite.

"We're wildlife bioliogists." the blonde scientist said flirtatiously.

"Mm-hmm. You two look very wild.." the black haired scientist said, winking.

"Sweet! We are very wild!" Nephrite said hungrily. "Let's go on back to your cabin or igloo or wherever you're staying."

"Eh, I guess I could try and have a little fun on vacation." Jadeite smiled, arm-in-arm with the blonde woman.

"Wow, this grand piano is kind of heavy." Zoisite said, struggling to carry it to the portal to Earth.

"Zoisite? Where are you going with your piano?"

"Oh! Kunzite-sama! I just-hey, why aren't you wearing your cape?"

"I'm taking it to Earth to sell it since Beryl paid us practically nothing for Christmas bonus." Kunzite frowned.

"But you can't sell your cape! I'm selling my piano to buy you sparkly epaulettes!" Zoisite cried.

"What? I'm going to buy you a piano book, you can't sell it!" argued Kunzite.

"This is really ironic. You know what we could do?"

"Oh, yes I do." Kunzite said evilly.

"Get jobs!" Zoisite grinned. "No, just kidding! We're the antagonists of this anime series, why don't we just go steal what we want?"

"Of course, my beautiful Zoisaito!" Kunzite smirked.

"Yay for Christmas, right, Kunzite-sama?"

Kunzite didn't reply. Instead, he gave his tiny lover a most passionate kiss, even though there were no sprigs of mistletoe in sight. Only some strange glowing mushrooms.

~The end, and Merry Christmas!~


End file.
